Just ask. Apparently, that’s all you have to do to get people to help you. Sounds easy, but for many of us it’s not. My method is to B.E.A.T. It Outta Them!
Asking feels icky because NO ONE WANTS TO BE REJECTED.
And yet, you’re guaranteed that if you ask, there are people who are going to say no.
That’s a fact, Jack!
However, on the other side are a couple of facts:
One: If you don’t ask, nothing happens.
Two: If you do ask, people will help you. Not everyone, but some will. And you’ll be surprised and blown away by the degree to which they do. More about that later…
Asking is not something that comes naturally to me, especially if something I feel uncomfortable about having is at stake. But, with practice, I’ve found that it comes easier… at times…
My Kickstarter
I originally wrote this piece back in 2014, when I was running a Kickstarter for my “Chocabaret: a tasting of NY artisan chocolates set to music”.
At the time, this was my ask: “I need your help to produce my first singing chef show for the public in almost ten years: “Chocabaret: a tasting of NY artisan chocolates set to music”. Go to the Chocabaret Kickstarter page, choose a reward you love and make a pledge or a donation. You’ll not only benefit and enjoy the reward; you’ll get the warm and fuzzy feeling that comes from making a difference. Every dollar helps me follow my dream.
At the same time, please know that I know how much effort it takes to extend yourself when you’re busy and you have lots of requests coming at you every day.”
That same year, I gave a speech called “B.E.A.T. It Outta Them: The Four Not-So-Simple Steps to Get People To Help You” that stirred up all kinds of feelings in the audience. Asking for help is confronting for people. You have to beat it outta them…
Yes, B.E.A.T. It Outta Them (Actually hitting people may work for some folks, but I don’t suggest it.).
B.E.A.T. is an acronym for Believe, Easy, Ask, and THANKS!
B is for BELIEVE:
To get people to help you, you have to believe in two things:
One, you have to believe you deserve to have what you want.
Two, you have to believe that people want to help you and will.
I often hear people say, “I want this or I wish I had that….” and when I suggest asking for help, they jump in with, “No one is going to help me”.
That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Since asking is so confronting, it’s often much easier to just write off the idea that people will help you.
The Fear Of Having
The problem with asking is we often want things that we’re ashamed of having. If we don’t believe we should have what we want, how can we believe that anyone else is going to help us get them?
Human beings are made up of parts that often conflict.
One part of us is clear that we want what we want. But there’s another part of us that is scared of having what we want because it doesn’t seem safe to us on some level.
There can be a feeling of loss attached to getting what we want.
From my coaching training, I know that getting what you want can seem to come with risking of being loved, being safe or belonging to your people. This is a very complex concept, but if there was no risk to having what we say we want we’d all be rolling in having everything we want.
I’ve had the recurring thought my entire life: “If I show myself; all of me, some people will think I’m too much”. I could stop belonging. I might lose love. It has stopped me dead in my tracks more times than I want to recall. But I have pushed past this and focused on what I want and gotten it.
Not believing you deserve to have what you want is one of the top reasons that people don’t get what they want.
Believe in yourself. It’s not easy and it’s not constant, but your energy and attitude have to be on the side of “I deserve to have this”. When thoughts come up that undermine you, take a breath and focus on what your life would be like if you have the thing you want. Visualize that. Embody that.
Believing that you’re deserving lays a path for people wanting to help you. People who know you and care about you and/or those who believe in you will help. Just ask.
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Get this course!E is for EASY:
You have to make it easy for people to help you. Give them the tools.
For my Kickstarter campaign, I asked my network for help. I asked my blogger friends to blog. I asked my family and friends to spread the word. I made it easy for them in three ways:
- I sent them pre-crafted emails, blog posts, and social media posts.
- I created a landing page for the Chocabaret Kickstarter campaign that was easy to view and share.
- I set up a press page to make it easy to get promotional photos and information.
I made it very easy for them to copy, paste, and share to help promote my campaign.
People do want to help you, but most of us have limited time to do so. It pays to do the time-consuming part for them. Make sure you lay a foundation to make it easy for people to help you.
A is ASK:
Ugh! The Hard Part! Believing and making it easy are the prerequisites to getting help, but the bottom line is you have to ask. Yeah, that’s where we get wobbly.
My suggestion is don’t ignore or try to resist or run from how this makes you feel. Own it. Utter it. Feel it all. Put your feelings into your request for help.
For the Chocabaret campaign, I wrote in my “asking” emails: “Let me tell you it’s not the most comfy feeling”, or “Is this uncomfortable? You betcha!”
Unbelievable Discomfort Of Asking
The Unbelievable Discomfort Of Asking is something that most people experience. When you ask them in a way where you call attention to the discomfort that comes with asking, they usually relate.
What I find helpful is looking at your network and figuring out who your people are.
There are four types:
All of them have value — yes, even the folks who don’t help — I can’t go into the many reasons that people are not likely to help. There’s a zillion of ’em, but that is not where you want to focus your energy.
- People who are not likely to help.
- People who will help you as best they can.
- People who are your complete champions and believe in you.
- People who are connected to other people and have influence so they can ask on your behalf.
It’s a distraction to mull over the question WHY doesn’t so and so help me?
I have done this enough times to know that when you ask there’s an energy shift that sparks not only the expected, but the unexpected. I’m not usually an airy fairy person, but I do believe in the magic that comes from putting yourself out there.
It’s a force that thrives in the positivity of making what you want to have happen, happen. It doesn’t work when you put hard expectations on others. It comes from putting yourself and what you want out there.
Ask everyone for help, focus most of your efforts on the three groups that are more likely to help you. Do a quick ask to the first category — because you never know.
Be personal when you ask the people to help you. Reference your relationship, their value to you and how much it would mean to you.
Spend the most time asking people whose help will have the greatest impact.
T is for THANKS:
And finally T for Thanks! Don’t forget to say thank you to every person who helps you for their support. A little gratitude goes far and a lot of gratitude goes even further.
During the Kickstarter campaign, each time I got an email telling me that a new person has backed Chocabaret, I shouted THANK YOU! from the rooftops. Either I sent them an email or thanked them publicly via social media or both.
I can still remember the feeling when I sent out the first email asking for help during the campaign. I completely resisted pressing send. I was sweating. My stomach was in knots. The part of me that wanted to put on the show was head butting the part of me that feels safer when I play small. I literally had my left hand, grab the index finger on my right hand to press SEND. I did it! And I did it over and over until that campaign was funded.
I’d put on very successful shows and workshops prior to this campaign, but I never did a crowd fund where I had to ask everyone I knew to not only help, but to tap their networks to help. It was a different animal.
Prior to this style of marketing and selling, I relied on my inner circle, the people that know me. I used traditional marketing, garnered and got incredible media coverage, and benefited from being part of a festival or a conference to sell.
When you are crowdfunding as a solopreneur it’s just you and everyone you ever knew. It’s more personal and I had another experience that could be very emotional.
The Emotion You Might Not Expect Or Do You?
This is what I wrote in the blog post after the campaign reached its goal.
“On the subject of THANKS, I’ve been blown away by people who are supporting this project. There could be another intimidating side to asking for help that prevents people from doing so. This occurs when people help in ways and with words that move you to your core.
You bear witness to their generosity and how they value you. That sensation — that your heart might explode — is not for the faint hearted. If you’re like me, you’ll be a happy, blubbering, tearful mess in the face of it.
The people who have championed this project are too numerous to list here, but they know who they are. I’m feeling all the love and I’m grateful for all of their help and kindness during this project. Their belief fortifies me.”
Is there something you want? I encourage you to find your people and B.E.A.T. It Outta Them.
Ask away. That’s where the magic happens.
Jackie Gordon
I've been creating outside-the-box ways to get paid for speaking and performing since 1998 and even won awards! I've been coaching speakers to speak more effectively for years. Now I want to help them get paid for it.
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